Everything is Awful

Being in a wheelchair makes me feel really isolated. School has started and I'm in new classes with new students. I'm finding it really hard to get to know the new people. I feel like they see the wheelchair first. Also being on a different level than them physically makes talking to people hard, and sometimes intimidating. Everyone towers over me. I feel small. I also feel like everyone watches me. I don't like that feeling. I'm in one of the larger sections of my program, there are 30 of us.
I got through the first week but it was so hard. I'm finding it really hard to concentrate in class. I'm constantly in pain. I'm always tired. By the time I get home from class, I'm so exhausted I fall asleep. I haven't gotten any homework done all week.
The Lyrica is messing with my mood. Known side effects include anxiety and depression: things I already struggle with but had under control. Had. Not anymore. I get anxious at school, and I feel so alone that I start to cry. I feel hopeless and overwhelmed.
I've thought about dropping out. My parents said they will support me no matter what I do. They know my health is more important than school.
I haven't decided what I'm going to do. I want to give it a bit more time, see if anything gets easier. I have until January 22nd to get a full tuition refund.
Basically, everything is terrible right now.

Screws and Back to School

Well this is what a fused ankle looks like. Its pretty screwed up! Haha! Dr. Steeves said he would do an isolated fuse so he didn't go through my fibula. Thats good because I'll have slightly more flexibility. All those little bits of metal are left over from previous surgeries, and are never coming out.

My pain is... interesting. Most of my discomfort is actualy in my foot as a result of nerve pain. I have one long incision and eight small ones, but I can't feel them, most of my foot and ankle are still numb. I do however, feel some very painful pins and needles once in a while.

I go back to school in a few days. I'm a little worried about it, I've only gone out three times since the surgery, and each time has been really hard and draining. Luckily I have a friend to drive me to school all semester, and in return, I got her a sweet reserved accessible parking spot on campus. But my schedule is heavy, and most days I'll be at the school for over 8 hours. It sounds a little overwhelming, but I just have to go for 15 weeks and then I get four months off!

Detox

I'm trying to get off the pain meds, but every time I get to about 12 hours off, I start feeling pretty bad: too warm, too cold, nauseous, sore, and really really irritable. I feel so crummy I end up re-starting the med. I've run out of my prescription and have begun to dig into the pills left over from my last surgery.
They are 325mg Tramadol pills, I was talking up to 12 pills a day. Got down to 6, one very 4 hours. I haven't taken any since 7am yesterday. It's 2:30 am now. I've been relying on Advil and the Lyrica for pain control. Now I just need something for withdrawal control.
I see my doctor in 3 days.

Late Night Ramblings

I sleep on a weird schedule. It's been over two weeks of being in bed, and taking narcotic pain meds that make me fuzzy and sleepy. I sleep for four hours, and then I'm up for four hours, sleep four, awake four...
I miss my life. I'm anxious to get back to it. Right now my family is out of town visiting my Grandma, and attending my cousins wedding. I wish I could have gone.
I'm also anxious to go back to school, but I feel like I need to get off the meds first. I tried a couple days ago but the pain got really bad.
I also wanna go back to physio. I wanna walk, I wanna run, I wanna play volleyball and dance with more than just my arms.
But for now I binge watch Netflix, play app games like Plague Inc and Neko Atsume, and have various people over to clean my house and feed me.
Had I know when I woke up on March 29th 2014 that I would break my leg and ankle in such a way that it would affect the next two years of my life... would I do anything different? Would it even have made a difference? Can fate be changed?

Christmas, Bed Rest, and Cats

The mug speaks the truth

My parents bought me a new mattress a couple months ago as an early Christmas present. I was really desperate for one; I wasn’t sleeping very well and was having back problems. I remember that after previous surgeries, my hips and back would hurt after only a few days in bed. I’ve been in this bed for over two weeks now and I’m still comfortable.

However staying in bed for this long is not as fun as it sounds. I was put on bed rest after my last hospital visit. I need to keep my leg above my heart to keep the swelling down. No one ever told me that bed rest would have side effects. I get heartburn, because I’m always lying down. I have heat rash all over my back. When I get up to go to the washroom, my leg swells up and hurts for about an hour.

I’m home alone now. My roommate is still out of town, but my sister comes over in the mornings to check on me and bring me food. Sometimes I have visitors. They always bring food.

December 24th vs December 29th

Christmas was good, I don’t remember much since I was heavily medicated, but my family took lots of pictures for me so I could remember. On Christmas Eve there was no snow still and it was 16 degrees Celsius out, it felt like a nice spring day. The grass was green and the sky was blue. I’ve had a green Christmas before, but it was still really cold like winter. This was strange. It didn’t last. On the December 29th there was a huge snowstorm. And it hasn’t really stopped snowing. So now it looks like a typical January out there.

Tramadol, Lyrica, and Advil

I have a week left until I see my surgeon again. A week and a half until the school semester starts. I keep trying to get off the narcotic pain meds, but every time I do within 12 hours I’m so uncomfortable I’m back on them. I really don’t want to be on them still when school starts, because they make my brain all fuzzy. I wouldn’t be able to get any work done. I’m looking forward to seeing my x-rays at my appointment. Dr. Steeves always makes sure I get to see them. He’s great like that, very informative and makes sure I know what’s going on. He’s the top rated orthopaedic surgeon in the city.

I don’t think I’d be able to get through bed rest if it wasn’t for Tesla. She’s my kitten. She’s a 10-month-old calico. I adopted her in May, and spent a lot of time with her, training her not to destroy things, not to chew on cables, or claw the couch. I got her accepted into a Pet Smart Charities grant for people on financial assistance, so she could be spayed and I only had a $20 co-pay. She is so well behaved, easily affectionate, hilariously vocal, and is ever so gentle. She has a lot of patience when my one-year-old niece is pulling her fur and squealing in her face. Tesla likes to cuddle with me all day. Both her and Jinx, my roommate’s cat, spend all their time on my bed or in my room. They only leave to go eat and use the litter box. Its like they know something is wrong with me.

I’m happy to have the cats, and I’m happy when friends come visit, but I cant wait to get out of this bed, get off these drugs, and get back to school and my life.

TTYL
Julie