Warning: This is a Rant

I'm angry. And hurt. I'm not one to usually say that out loud but its been almost a month. I haven't walked in a month. I see the stares and awkward looks when I'm out in public in my wheelchair. I dare any normal person to go though that and not feel discouraged. I feel like my life ended when I broke my leg. I never see my friends, I haven't been to school, The only way I can go somewhere is with the help of someone else. I have NO independence. I can crawl around my floor and clean my own room, big whop-dee-do, but I can't make my own food, wash my own laundry, or pick up my own medications. If I want to see people they have to come to me.
I started this blog so I could talk about what I was going through as a way to cope, but I was also hoping that it would provide a means for others to understand my situation. So why are my friends disappearing? Slowly but surely they are. They stop coming by. They stop answering their phones. They run to the hills when things get hard. And I'm left all alone. I don't do alone very well. I'm stuck. I'm a prisoner of my own body. And my mind.

Time Demands to be Paid

So for the past few years, I've been a big fan of The Vlogbrothers. They are these two brothers, Hank and John, who post video blogs on YouTube and they talk about interesting things and sing interesting songs and write interesting books. Hank it my favorite brother, He's science-y and musical, kinda like me. John is more of a writer and philosopher. Anyways, I bring this up because last week Hank posted a video in which he sings the oldest known complete song. And it was very inspiring. The story goes that 3500 years ago a man put this song in a burial site with his wife. Its sad and hopeful and so human.  Check it out.



In other news I went to the doctor today because the nurse I spoke to on the phone yesterday was worried about infection in the incision from my surgery. Going in today it was still warm and oozing but my fever had gone. I got a topical antibiotic and I'll see my orthopedic surgeon May 12. I have to stay off my leg untill then. Three weeks down and three more to go.

Small Town Big Fun

Who ever said small towns are boring has no imagination or sense of adventure. I love going up to Orillia. Its a beautifull small town on the shores of Lake Simcoe. A few years ago I took this photograph of a gazebo at dusk. If you click it to enlarge it, the right click it, you can save it to use as a desktop background. :)
My uncle Peter, his wife Jenny and their two boys Brigham and Owain, my uncle Dale, his wife Veronica, and their three boys Alex, Preston and Cyrus, and my aunt Ruth, her husband Rolf and one of their three kids Jared were all there at various times throughout the weekend.

Every time I go to Orillia, Ontario I discover something new. Last spring I discovered a sugar bush about twenty minutes up the highway towards Barrie. This year I went again with my sister Anngela, aunt Jenny and and Dad and got maple taffy. Spring was even later up here, there was still snow on the ground in a lot of places.
That night, a bunch of my cousins, aunts, and uncles all went to a roller skating rink. The place was super retro and I'm sure I would have loved it but I didnt get to go. I cant even walk yet. I was going to go to watch and take pictures, but after dinner, I got violently sick. Cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, sweaty shaking and nausea. It was so bad. all I could do was curl up in a ball on my bed and try to pray away the cramps. I had no idea what caused it. I have a few dietary restrictions (lactose intolerant, processed flour intolerant) but to my knowledge I hadn't eaten anything off limits. So I asked my dad for a priesthood blessing. My uncle Peter assisted and soon after the blessing i was able to fall asleep. By the next morning I felt back to normal. Which was super important since we would be driving home that day.
They highway just out of Orillia (or just before if you're on your way there) Has a lot of interesting attractions on it. There is a Candy Shoppe That has all kinds of retro, novelty and foreign candies

There's also the Giant Chair. Right next to the giant dinosaur. Further along, is the Trading Post, Kawartha Lakes Dairy, Algonquin Provincial Park... Theres so much along highway 60, I could easily take two days to do the 6 hour drive, stopping everywhere that catches my eye. Someday I will. My dad likes to drive just to get there, speeding most of the time and more often than not, getting stopped by the OPP.
One last gem before I sign off: My dad's senior photo from high school. Anngela found it and kept it. LOL

Road Trip!!

It's Easter weekend! And that means my families simi-anual trip to the small town where my grandparents live. It's about a 6 hour drive and I love making the trek. Im a huge fan of road trips but traveling with a broken leg is not easy. We brought the wheelchair but for little ventures out i just use the crutches. My brother was not used to having to be carefull around me and bumped my leg a few times and hit me with a door, but hes getting used to it now.

One of my favorite things about car rides is the music. Dad always brings the '80s. We had a Styx party. Only me, my dad, My sister Anngela and my brother Jonathan came this time. Mom, Jen, Carolynn and Chris stayed home for various reasons. Thats right, I have 5 siblings, of which I am the second oldest. Ive never missed a trip to see my Grandparents here. Im always scared if I do, one of them will die.
After dinner, Anngela and I were playing out ukeleles when she got distracted by dresses in the closet. Both my grandmother and Anngela are very slender women and I suggested she try them on. I think the floral one is very chic in a hipster vintage way. We had a mini fashion show and I think the dresses (old as they were) looked pretty amazing on Anngela.

Tomorrow my Aunt Jenny and her family will arrive. Im super excited. I lived with her for a little bit and I got really close with her two boys. Also, we are going SHOPPING because clothes in a small town are much cheaper than they are in the big city for some reason. 

Bling

Today my grandpa took me out to go to the dollar store. I live with my granparents. As the second oldes of six children, Im used to a noisy house hold, but that didnt mean I liked it. I moved to my grandparents a couple months ago and i havent been happier.
On the way he got me a slice of pizza because he had a coupon or something and I love pizza. It was lovely to get out of the house, I get a little stir crazy here. At the dollar store, I picked up some supplies to decorate my air cast. I got rhinestones, coloured duct tape and ribbon.
I had created a Facebook event for my "Air Cast Decorating Party". Five people said they would come and three said maybe. None of them showed up. A few messaged me a couple hours before hand to let me know but for the most part, people just didn't show. That kinda hurt but I guess decorating my air cast isnt the mos important thing on peoples minds. Still, if you say your going to be somewhere, be there please. But luckily, Clarissa came over an hour after it was supposed to start and hung out with me. She crocheted and I did all the decorating.

I think it looks fabulous! And none of it is permanent. The duct tape is cheap so it comes off. The ribbon is just tied on and the rhinestones are held on with tacky glue dots. I've used them on my phone before and they come off fine even months later. But since I'm going to wearing this for the next two months, I figured it needed some pizzaz. 

Xzibit would be proud.

It's Late

It's about one in the morning and I haven't been able to fall asleep. My leg hurts. The air cast is uncomfortable and no matter how many tines I readjust it, it hurts. I took a couple Tylenol over an hour ago. No help. And to top it off, I have a wicked case of hiccups that won't let up.
Suggestions?

Checkup

I had my appointment with Dr. Steeves at the hospital today. They took off my old cast and WOAH was it gross. They did cut me open in two places. After they took the cast off, I was sent for x-rays. Check out my boinic ankle! That one screw on the left looks crazy! I'm seriously curious as to how they got it in there. The only part of my leg that hurts at this point is my incision. Also, apparently I broke my ankle in THREE places! My surgeon said he usualy deals with trauma breaks, shattered arms and such. All I did was slip on a tiny patch of ice and BAM I get to spend the next 6 months recovering. So out of curiosity, I looked up what a normal ankle x-ray should look like... And man was my ankle ever messed up! I look like I got run over by a truck... ALL I DID WAS SLIP ON ICE!! Someone please explain this to me.

Normal ankle

My ankle pre-surgery

Post-surgery

I ended up having to go with the air cast. I want to heal faster and with an air cast there's less permanent stiffness in my ankle afterwards. Sometimes no matter how much physio you do there's nothing to recover the range of motion you once had. Ten years ago I was stabbed in the hand and I still have stiffness even now, after all the therapy I did. Also with the air cast I can take it off to scratch itches and take showers. The only downside is the price tag it had... $120.00!!!
I'm still not allowed to walk on my ankle. Not for four more weeks. And even after that I wont be walking around right away. After 4 weeks I'll keep wearing the air cast when I walk and it will be 3 months before I'm walking without any help. And when I do sports ill have to wear a brace. It wont be until September or October that I'll be as good as it gets.
I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't get a plaster cast that I could draw on, but then I saw one girl at the hospital who had blinged out her air cast! I've seen the sticky backed rhinestones at the dollar store. I could also hot glue ribbon bows to it like I saw in Pinterest. I think I got some leopard print duct tape kicking around somewhere.
AIR CAST DECORATING PARTY!!

Ward Family

I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I attend a Young Single Adult ward here in Ottawa. A YSA ward is like any other Mormon congregation except the members are between ages 18 and 30 and are not married. We have 3 hours of meeting every Sunday and I love every minute of it. I'm so glad to be back at church for the first time. I wasn't able to go these past two weeks. This week there was a baked potato dinner after out last meeting. We also celebrated Elder Hardey's birthday.
I love church, I always feel welcome and my ward is like an extended family to me. So many of them came to visit me in the past two weeks. It's a community of people who share my faith and my values and I know this is where I belong and I know this is God's true church on the earth. I hope I never lose sight of my faith despite the trials I face. If the devil broke my leg to test my faith, he only made it stronger. I know I must have broken my leg for a reason, even if that's only ao I can be an opportunity for other to do service. I guess I should be grateful for the experience.
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Itchy

I can't sleep because my cast is too itchy. I can't wait for Monday when they take it off. But I have to decide if I want a fiberglass cast or an air cast after. I think this calls for a good old pros and cons list.

*Air Cast*
Pros- removable!
Cons- Amanda doesn't trust it, costs more money
*Fiberglass Cast*
Pros- can draw on it!! Comes in different colours.
Cons- WHAT IF IT GETS ITCHY UNDERNEATH AND I CAN'T SCRATCH!!!!!!

I can't stand itches. I'm not good at not scratching. I literally have scars from scratching my mosquito bites.

Boredom

I spent much of today watching Netflix. Oh, the dangers of one again owning a computer. I saw a picture on Buzz Feed of different nail styles for this spring >> http://goo.gl/sF82Ou
And I decided to try the Strawberry Manicure... and its not half bad!

Then in the evening I went to a friends house for a board games party thing. But once I got there my social anxiety kicked into high gear and I had trouble just making conversation with people and really couldn't get into the game I was playing. It was some kind of group party game with super heroes. But my heart wasn't in it. Eventually I played a different game with just a small group of people and I was able to relax enough to speak comfortably and not freak out. But I didn't want to stay too much longer. Maybe its because I haven't been around people in almost two weeks, but I'm usually not like that.
Though I'm sure church tomorrow will be much easier.

Week Two

After this post, I'm pretty much caught up to the present so the date above each post will actually be accurate.
So after a painful week, this past one has been pretty easy going. By Tuesday I was off the pain pills all together, even Tylenol. I got out of the house and was able to go to cubs. I've been an assistant cub leader for over 3 years and the other cub leader, Greg, tore his Achilles tendon a few weeks back. He's in a walking cast now, but also had surgery on his leg. So we're kind of a funny pair, both of us with our gimpy legs. We had a chill evening and just went over first aid stuff with the boys.
Wednesday I felt down again. This time I was feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of homework I had to do and how many classes I was missing. I pretty much watched TV all day. Sister Piper from church came over to visit me and brought chocolate. She had heard I was having a crummy day and we talked and cried together. I'm kind of a wimp sometimes.
Thursday I had therapy. The emotional kind, I don't start physiotherapy for a while yet. After my appointment I got a text from a friend who I like more than a friend. I invited him over to watch a movie with me. I was excited when he said sure and was on his way. But shortly after he arrived so did a couple other friends so I kinda lost the chance to spend time one on one with him. But at least we all had some apple pie. That was nice. Clarissa drew me this:

Friday was a big day for me: I was able to take a shower all by myself for the first time since my injury. Its surprising how empowering just being able to clean yourself can make you feel.
Grandpa went out and rented a wheelchair for me to use Friday night because there was an award ceremony at the church for students who had earned Institute credits this year. My friend Amanda came with me but I'm not sure she likes churchy things. Actually I'm pretty sure she didn't like it. But it was nice to have a friend to push me around. Not really, its SO AWKWARD rolling around, making everyone move out of my way, and being so short! I'm like, 5 foot 10. But sitting down its like I'm 3 foot 10. All the others went to play Laser Tag afterwards. I love Laser Tag. Heres a pic of Amanda pushing me around:

Breaking my leg sucks. I'm missing out on so much!! It's the beginning of spring, a time when everyone comes outside after such a looooooong winter. When I broke my leg on the 29th of MARCH there was still 3 feet of snow and ice EVERYWHERE. Two weeks later and there's almost no snow anywhere, But I'm not outside enjoying it like I usually do this time of year, nope. I'm sitting in my room and the only thing I can see out the window is the sky. And most of the time it's grey. I want to be on my feet, running around outside, fixing up my bike for the season, and playing volleyball!

Downer Day

Monday sucked. I woke up at in the morning and by noon I had mentally worked myself into such a self pity party I just gave up and went to sleep. I slept all day because I had nothing to do and I felt overwhelmed by how much I couldn't do.

Poppin Pills

So after my surgery, I was kept for a few hours at the hospital for observation, then sent home. I had on a new cast but the pain was so much worse. I've had a history abusing narcotic pain killers so at first I didn't want to take them. Then whatever was in my system from the hospital started to wear off and I was screaming into a pillow it hurt so much. Thursday and Friday passed in a drugged up haze of visitors and Disney movies.

Saturday and Sunday were General Conference weekend. For anyone not familiar with Mormon culture, its like a weekend of Ted Talks, but its talks from the prophet about spiritual stuff. i decided to stop taking pain meds for that so I could have a clear mind for it. By Monday I wasn't taking any pain meds at all.

Surgery

Tuesday On April 1st, the hospital called. I would go in for surgery the next day to get a plate and a bunch or screws put in my leg. Wednesday morning I reported to the hospital. They took me into pre-op to get me ready. I was pretty nervous but the staff was super friendly and made me feel comfortable. They had to clean off all my nail polish and take mt rings and even earrings. I had one ring on my pinky that I hadn't taken off in about a year. I just kinda forget I'm wearing that stuff. I got a swab shoved up my nose to make sure I had no "super bugs" and then I was fed a lovely breakfast of sugar water in a tube.

         

Eventually my surgeon came to talk to me about the surgery. They would make two incisions, one in the inward facing side of my ankle, and one on the outward facing side, a little higher and about twice as long. The surgery should only take a few hours he said. I signed some papers and he left to get ready. Next the anesthesiologist came in. She said that normally for this kind of procedure they would do a general anesthesia wich requires a breathing tube, but since I had asthma they didn't want to do that. So instead they would do a spinal to immobilize me from the waist down and sedate me to keep me asleep. After I signed her papers, I was wheeled into the operating room. They hooked me up to all the machines, I had to bend over for the spinal needle to go in, and then the last thing I remember before going under was that I wanted to say a prayer to I had folded my arms and was doing my best to form words despite my sluggish mind and the oxygen mask.

"Move her arms"

"Hang on, she's praying"

Then a dreamless nothing.

Blessings

Everyone at church knew I broke my leg. Word got around and the next day I was mentioned in almost every Sunday School class and every prayer. I had visitor after visitor wishing me well, bringing gifts. I felt so loved and so blessed knowing how many people I had pulling for me. It really kept my spirits up while I sat at home with my broken bones, waiting for a call telling me I was to have surgery soon. The hardest part was letting myself rely on others. The pain was manageable with the pills, but not being able to go to the bathroom by myself, was hard. I even needed help washing my own hair.

But what are best friends for? I wish I knew how to thank all the people who helped me in the days leading up to and shortly after my surgery. I wish I knew how to thank the people who helped me on the street. I don't even know their names...

Orthopedics

The next 2 hours of this story are simple: I'm in pain. They give me Morphine. I wait for the doctor.
At about 11 am the doctor walk in and congratulates me on breaking my leg.
My leg... my leg?? What? No, I broke my ankle, right? Nope, I broke my leg. AND my ankle. The doctor takes off the splint and looks at my foot.

The nurse puts something in my IV that makes my head feel foggy and heavy. The doctor says "I'm going to stabilize your leg" I don't realize at first the implications of what hes saying: This will hurt. A feral scream escapes my mouth beyond my control, probably scaring everyone in the ER. The doctor stands back, looks at me, says something to the nurse than turns to me and says: "You need to see the orthopedic surgeon." 4 more hours and another dose of morphine later, the Orthopedic surgeon walks in says "You have broken your leg and your ankle and you will require surgery to stabilize the bones"

Then he put a temporary cast on me and sent me home. "The hospital will call you when we have a slot in the OR schedule for you.

Radiation

We get to the emergency room and the hospital. Whatever the paramedics gave me is wearing off fast. It was probably just to get me through the bumpy ride. I get registered quickly and meet up with my dad. Pretty soon they send us into xray. At this point, im pretty calm, im used to the pain and Im also not moving. but when the radiologist gets a hold of me that all changes. "Turn your foot this way" she says. I cry as the x-ray machine grinds away: BRRGRGRGRG "Okay now this way" BRRRGRGRG "And one more this way" BRRRGRGRGRGRR.
Now I'm almost screaming with the machine. But now the doctor will have his pictures.

Emergency Medicine

The ambulance pulled up. Two paramedics and a medic in training got out. They brought the gurney over and started asking questions. I was shaking and trying to keep my breathing steady like I had been trained to help others do during my first aid course last October. The first thing the paramedic did was take off my boot. I used to have this thing about crying or screaming in public. Not a thing anymore, I screamed away on the sidewalk as the paramedic pried my boot off my swollen foot as gently as he could. I remember two people wrapping their arms around me in comfort. People I didn't know. People I am forever grateful to.
My foot was the wrong shape. Pointing the wrong way. I almost threw up. The paramedic put a splint on it and wrapped it in gauze.

But now they had to get my on to the stretcher. One medic walked behind me, but the sidewalk was way to icy and there was no way they were going to get a gurney behind me. So with the help Of my new friends, I stood up on one foot, and hopped off the icy patch and to the gurney. Every hop jarring my whole body, sending waves of pain through me, radiating from my leg. I was so sure I had broken my ankle. Once I was on the gurney, everything moved fast. I'm in the ambulance. Blankets, blood pressure cuff, heart monitor, IV started, temperature, everything was a blur. My Dad showed up. Then something cold squeezed into my arm... everything gets foggy... and we start to move.

First Aid

Before I hit the ground I cried out. Something like "ahh" or "ohh". From my sideways view, the woman who had crossed the street came running back. I remember it in slow motion. The feeling of my boot getting tighter and tighter as my foot swelled, the pain, my good foot on top of the injured one having landed there when I fell, oh the pain, the fear of moving either of my feel in case I cause myself more pain. When she got to me, she asked what happened. I said "I hurt my ankle and I think Its broken". Then out of nowhere another woman appeared. Then a man. One woman said she was a nurse. She checked me out and put a blanket around me. I didn't know I was shivering until then. The other woman called an ambulance. The man held my foot up to elevate it. Another man showed up and just sat behind me so I could relax and rest against him. A lady walking her dogs stopped and her dogs helped to keep my mind off the pain. "Look at something else. Don't think about your foot" the nurse had said. One dog put his head in my lap. The other put his head on  my shoulder. Then the ambulance came.

How I broke my Leg

If I had know that Saturday morning on March 29th that I was going to break my leg and ankle in less than an hour, I might not have gotten out of bed. I don't think anyone in their right mind would.
Saturday March 29th was the Ottawa Stake Volley Ball Tournament. I am not the athletic type by far. But this was a friendly competition between church members from across the city. I had been practicing with my team for a few weeks and in the games leading up to the tournament, I could feel myself getting better, coordinating with my team to set up the ball and get it over the net. I discovered I was really good at blocking spikes. Probably because I'm 5 foot 10. But I was very proud of my progress. And really looking forward to the tournament.
So I woke up Saturday morning and put my gym shoes, knee pads and gym clothes in my bag. Even though it was late march, it was much too cold out for shorts. I grabbed a muffin and banana on my way out the door, eating them on the way to the bus stop.
Just after 8 in the morning, I got off the bus just around the block from the church where the tournament was going to be held. Only one person got off the bus with me and I didn't recognize her. She crossed the street right away, but I walked to the corner to cross at the crosswalk. My bad. As I approached the corner, I stepped onto black ice. I felt my foot begin to slip under me. I hate the graceless act that is falling on one's bottom. So I tried to off-balance myself so as to regain balance... but instead my leg made a crunching grinding sound I will never forget and a sudden explosion of pain dropped me flat on my back.